Why is it that when there’s some sort of confrontation or disagreement, no one involved wants to step up and offer a solution? This is a broad generalization, of course, but we see it time and time again. At work, at home, with friends – it’s not fun to admit to making a mistake. But that’s not the point. In order to find a solution, one must step up and move on. When a delivery date is missed at work, it impacts everyone involved. The “owner” of the delivery date (the one responsible) should simply say “My bad – here’s what we can do…”, rather than “Hmmm, that supplier really screwed up…” or “Gee – I wish I would have known about this decision earlier…”. Whatever the scenario, it’s neither right nor helpful to hide behind excuses. In fact, making excuses magnifies the issue and compromises the responsible party’s position by making them appear weak and inadequate.

Personal responsibility is about owning one’s decisions and dealing with the results / consequences of such decisions. Wouldn’t it be so much easier for an employee who makes a mistake to say “Oops – I messed up – here are my suggestions to make it right”? We see it all the time in sports – folks owning up to mistakes. On the basketball court – when someone misses a pass, they look at their intended teammate and pat their own chest as a way of saying “My bad”. On the soccer field, it’s much the same – miss a pass or miss an opportunity, the player simply acknowledges the mistake and keeps playing. If he gets too wrapped up in the mistake, he won’t be able to contribute effectively for the subsequent plays. He may even psyche himself out of the whole game and compromise the entire team’s effort. Similarly, our employee who makes a mistake could be affected the same way – by making excuses and not admitting wrongdoing, she could be compromising the entire team’s effort to set things straight. All it takes is a little humility – and s/he’s back in the game.

In families, the scenarios are endless. He said / she said games and the classic “I wasn’t hugged enough as a child” mentality have been played out ad nauseum. Now – this is not to take away from the needs of children in any way. We all need love. The point is that this victim mentality has to go. It’s not healthy, it’s not effective, and it’s certainly not solutions-oriented. Do we really want to move on? Or are we content to wallow? What good comes from this mentality? Nothing. Of course, there are limits to this scenario – but the principle remains the same. In order to move forward, one must accept a certain level of responsibility.

No more hiding!

Why is this so difficult to do? Why is our first instinct to run and hide rather than plant our feet and admit a mistake? I’m not sure – but I do know that enduring the discomfort of admitting a mistake is well worth it in the long run. Rather than choosing to appear weak and afraid, admitting a mistake sends the opposite message. It takes confidence and self-assurance to set things right. Humility – it takes a bit of humility.

Taking our cue from sports – it’s clear that humility is a vital part of team work. At work and at home, we are essentially players on a larger team. Knowing this, it’s our responsibility to be humble and responsible teammates. It’s time to step up and play by the rules.

I like to think of this concept like an empty glass. The glass represents you and it’s of no real value when it’s empty. In order to be of any value to those around you, you need to fill up that glass. How? Well – it means different things to different people. For me, it can be as simple as taking a drive on a nice day with the windows down and the music loud. It might mean making better food choices, reading one book each month, beginning a journal, having a date night each week, or simply scheduling a standing mani / pedi appointment. As you do something for yourself, your glass gets fuller. My mom would describe this as your “love tank”. In order to love others, you must love yourself first. Therefore, you have to keep your “love tank” full. Each time you do something for others, a little goes out of your love tank, so you have to keep filling it up each day by doing something for yourself. This can be as simple as appreciating the stillness of the early morning. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but it must be deliberate.

Appreciate beauty wherever you see it

The best part about this, is that as you pay yourself first, you’ll find that you have so much more to offer the world. You’ll be happier, more energized, and more confident. I mentioned in a previous post about the importance of being a witness for love. That’s one of my favorite concepts. There are examples of love everywhere – simply by becoming aware of what’s already going on around you, your tank will be overflowing. You will simply radiate with love and the idea of paying yourself first will become a non-issue because you’ll do it naturally. Stopping to express gratitude for each small example of kindness will usher in new ways to express kindness to others. Remember that insurance commercial where someone picked up a child’s dropped toy? Someone else witnessed that and did something kind for someone else, and the pattern continued. Some call this practicing random acts of kindness. This isn’t a new concept. But it’s an important one.

So – pay yourself first, be a witness for good, and then watch as your daily experience is transformed. It’s important to focus only on the good, but may not always be an easy thing to disregard the not-so-good. The trick is to amplify the good to the point that the rest simply falls away. It ceases to be about ignoring the bad, and it becomes a fun game of “How much good can I witness today?”.

It’s okay to put yourself first. In fact, I’d venture to say that it’s imperative that you do. You’ll be more valuable to yourself and your loved ones as you embrace this challenge. Be sure your love tank is full, each and every day.

Finally (and mercifully) – in a rather unique way, my breakthrough arrived. Twice a year, CrossFit Seattle challenges its members to a 7-week LEANing challenge. Every day for the 7-weeks, we document what we eat and send it to the group each week. The goal is to eat Paleo for the 7-week period – eliminating grain, dairy, legumes and anything processed from your diet completely. Based on before and after photos, whoever shows the most dramatic results in their physical appearance after the 7-week period wins the kitty (we all put in $30 to play). I’ve done this before – last year – and it was difficult, but well worth the effort (and no, I didn’t win). As I begin this year’s challenge, I was struck with an eye-opening revelation.

I thought about this as I shoved another piece of dark chocolate into my mouth in a moment of weakness, and I realized that I had struck upon something really remarkable. This challenge would force me to live on purpose. And right now, I wasn’t living on purpose. I was just living. I was going through the motions every day with a lackluster attitude. I had sort of lost the spark, and I felt defeated. In my work, my relationships – everything – was just boring and routine. I didn’t feel empowered and I certainly didn’t feel excited about my potential.

Could I fit in with my successful brothers?

This brings me to another point – perhaps a separate point altogether – but it fits in nicely with my thought process. Growing up as the youngest of 5, and the only girl, I felt special. I always loved my brothers – whether they were my “full” or “half” brothers – they were all my brothers and I felt like I had my own bodyguards. I looked up to each one of them, and I still do. As an adult, I’ve learned to appreciate them in a different way – we’re peers now. I’m no longer the kid sister tagging along. However, it’s become clear that I still have things to work through on my own. I know it’s not healthy to compare ourselves with others, but it’s hard not to compare ourselves with our siblings. In my case, each of my brothers has a specific and focused course – and they’re all wildly successful in their respective careers. We have an orthopedic surgeon, an organizational psychologist (with his own company), a successful artist (with his own gallery in NYC), and a Captain in the Marine Corps who is now a Chaplain in the US Army. Then there’s me – the floundering sister trying to “make it”. What am I doing with myself? What *is* my career? Will I ever be “successful”? You could run in many directions with these questions. But I think it ties in nicely with my LEANing Challenge. Here’s what I’ve discovered…

The LEANing challenge is less about food and more about intentional living. I don’t really care all that much about the physical benefits of eating a certain way – I’m sure those will be great, but that’s not my motivation. Right now in my life, I need some focus. I need to remember why I’m important and why I matter. No – I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m pretty darn grateful for what I have in my life. But I know I have so much more to give, and I’m ready for that. So, this challenge is about being on purpose. By holding myself accountable with my food intake, I’m forced to document what I eat. And when I document what I eat, I’m forced to be accountable in other areas. What else, then, can I be accountable for? What about my thinking? Who is monitoring that if I’m not? How am I acting? Am I living a life that I can be proud of?

I fully anticipate these 7 weeks to be full of discovery. It’s almost as though I’m primed for my transformation from kid sister to wildly successful member of the family. It’s time for me to take rank with my wonderful brothers. Success doesn’t mean the size of my paycheck, as I’ve written about before, but it’s about satisfaction and happiness. This challenge will act as a springboard for me. It’s a transformation that will redefine how I perceive myself and those around me.

You don’t need to go on a diet (or have 4 big brothers) in order to reap the benefits of this challenge. For the next 7 weeks, let’s consider a few questions. Are you holding yourself accountable? What could you improve in your own life? Think about your own thought – are you monitoring what you allow into your thinking? Are you living on purpose? By simply changing the way we approach our daily lives, we can transform the way we think and act. We all have so much to give and share with the world – let’s be sure we’re utilizing every opportunity to do so.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.  – Mahatma Gandhi

I’ve really been thinking about change recently and how the cliche is that it’s human nature to resist change. I’ve never bought into that idea. Change is a natural part of life. The ebb and flow of activities and responsibilities necessitates that we stay on our toes (a sports analogy meant to be ready for anything). Why would we have to be on our toes if we are so resistant to change? Doesn’t make sense, does it?

As I considered this concept of change, I was reminded of Gandhi’s wonderful encouragement to be the change we wish to see. That simple idea makes change less intimidating. If all we have to do is to be the change (and we don’t have to make anyone else change), then that makes it pretty simple. But there is a balance to be struck when thinking about a change. Focusing on the immediate picture without considering the big picture can be downright discouraging (e.g. someone hates their job and can’t see beyond the walls of their office). And if we live in la la land and only think about the big picture with no consideration for the small steps to get us there, we can quickly become overwhelmed (e.g. a secretary has dreams of becoming the CEO but doesn’t have a plan, so she does nothing). If we desire change but think change has to come from without, we’re fooling ourselves. The only way to affect change is to BE the change. Start acting differently. The person who hates their job, for instance, can transform their experience by making different choices each day. Decide to think differently about your coworkers and your specific job function. List the ways in which you contribute to the success of your company – or the satisfaction of your clients. Chances are, that person will have a dramatically improved situation when they change their mind about it. For the secretary with ambition, start acting more professionally.

My mom used to tell me, if you want to be a wife, start acting like a wife! Months later, I became engaged to a friend whom I hadn’t seen in years. If we believe that we attract what we reflect (we attract who we are), then start being who you want to be. No one is going to hand you what you want on a silver platter (at least not where I come from!). So in order to earn that promotion, or to improve your current situation, start acting differently. Make a promise to yourself to really be the person you want to become. This doesn’t necessarily mean barking orders at your co-workers because that’s what you think CEOs do (!). This can take many forms, and is certainly not limited to an office setting. If you’d like to become a more regular exerciser, start exercising! If you want to be a clothing designer, start sketching ideas for new fashion. If motherhood is on your radar, start expressing the qualities of a mother – patience, gentleness, strength, persistence, tenderness, etc.

Change always starts from within. Although we don’t need to change who we inherently are, we do need to make a choice to act differently if we want to see change. One definition of insanity is taking the same actions and expecting different results. Stop acting crazy and change your actions! It’s not always easy, but change is simple.

A favorite picture from the year

As we prepare to say goodbye to 2009 and welcome 2010, I am taking a new approach. In the past, I’ve hastily forgotten about the previous year in the excitement of the new year. But not this time. I’m really celebrating the growth from 2009. This has been a landmark year for me, and it will not soon be forgotten. And I feel much more prepared for the growth and lessons awaiting to be learned in 2010.

So – as the ball drops tonight, and the clock ticks over to 12:01, I’ll be ready – with gratitude list in hand from one year, and a blank piece of paper waiting to be filled with gratitude from the year to come.

Happy New Year to you – wherever you are!

self-confidence is easy with an improved sense of self!

It can be frustrating and disheartening to think that confidence is something that you have to acquire before you can move forward – almost like finding that *perfect* little black dress (does that actually exist, by the way?). Rather than looking outward – start looking inward. That’s what I finally did – I didn’t want to fake it anymore. I didn’t want to be fake about anything – especially my own sense of self. And as I thought about it – I realized some important things. Confidence relates less to accomplishments and more to qualities. If we’re talking about *self*-confidence – it helps to start with the concept of self. How do you define yourself? Make a list – what are you proud of? How would you describe yourself to someone? Now – is your list more about accomplishments or qualities? If you’ve listed qualities – congratulations. If you still hang on to your accomplishments – that’s fine, but try thinking of yourself in a completely new way. For me – my list always consists of: strength, beauty, vigor, sauciness (!), spunk, humor, joy, humility, flexibility, expectancy….I always add to it each time I make it. I purposely exclude any of my accomplishments. While I’m certainly proud of things I’ve done – and I wouldn’t be where I am today without those things – I don’t want to define myself by events in the past, period. This is a fun and empowering exercise.

You are not your body, either. Get away from listing hair, eyes, legs, etc as things that make up who you are. While these are part of you – they are not YOU. We are so much more than that – and the sooner we embrace this, the better off we’ll be. So – back to this idea of confidence. When we stop defining ourselves within the confines of our past experiences, or the limits of our bodies, we expand our self-definition. We are joy expressed – we radiate love – we exude playfulness. Now – how about that confidence? Pretty easy to be self-confident when that self is comprised of beautiful qualities, right? Stand up straighter, hold your head high, and put that strut back in your walk. You have everything you need to be confident. In fact, you are the unique embodiment of some pretty extraordinary qualities. Let that light of yours shine for all to see!

There was the sweet new family with the mom carrying the new-born and the dad leading the toddler by the hand through the terminal. Then there was the dear older couple who required assistance to maneuver down the aisle of the plane to their seats. Holding hands and radiating with a joy that was absolutely contagious, they were perfectly content to be together on whatever adventure they were enjoying. I squeezed Dave’s hand with a bit more meaning while I watched them. Then there was the tearful farewell from the parents of a young couple on their way back to Alaska. We had watched them load their super cute dog into a big crate to be flown back to Alaska and then had the pleasure of witnessing a tender good-bye from her parents before we passed through the security line. Her mom quickly pulled on her over-sized sunglasses to shield her tearful eyes (although I’m not sure she fooled anyone). As soon as they were out of view, the young couple (right in front of us in line) squeezed each other tight and the woman had tearful eyes, too – though she was smiling through the tears. I almost shed a tear, too at that sweet expression of gratitude and love between family members.

Tender expressions of love are all around

I just love being a witness for all of the love and goodness that is going on all around us. It seems as though this can be lost in the shuffle of the hustle and bustle of every day life. On the news and in the newspaper, we read of the destruction and heartache of a few. But rarely are we reminded of the inherent goodness and gentleness of mankind. Maybe the airport is the best place to see it? It’s ironic that there is so much fear surrounding air travel and yet it’s the perfect place to see pure love and gratitude when loved ones embrace each other to say either hello or good-bye. Either way, it’s incredibly moving. I found myself thinking about my dear friends and family whom I love and adore. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other – we always hug with a sincerity that usually requires me to choke down a few tears. Am I getting soft? Maybe. But that hug, to me, represents so much. Love, steadfastness, generosity, sincerity, honesty, gratitude, friendship, kindness, relief – and perhaps most of all, stability. Regardless of circumstance, that hug will be there. When you travel to see loved ones, it’s guaranteed that you will be greeted with a hug.

I’m so grateful to have been filled with this wonderful sense of peace throughout my day of travel. Because of that new family, sweet elderly couple and young couple with their dog, and countless other examples, I have a fuller understanding of love. It takes many forms and fits all shapes and sizes. It doesn’t care how big your waist is, what your zip code is, or the title on your desk – love knows no bounds. When we open our hearts to it, we see it everywhere. And we receive more of it. As I’m writing, Kiki (my cat) has come over and has jumped onto my lap, climbed up onto my chest, and has finally settled down with her head on my hand and her paws on my keyboard. Talk about receiving more love when you’re open to it!

You don’t have to go to the airport to see and appreciate this love. There are examples of this tender expression everywhere. Take the folks who help each other cross the street; The bus drivers who wait for the hopeful sprinting riders; The parents who tenderly care for their children; The working dogs who patiently guide their people throughout the day; The sweet mother bird who cares for her babies. Stop and appreciate these small and powerful expressions. Really be grateful for the inherent joy that we all express each day. Love is everywhere – we don’t need to try to create more – we simply need to open our eyes and appreciate what is already going on. By this simple acknowledging, we are suddenly examples of this very love ourselves. What a wonderful expression to be a part of! You’ll find that it is effortless – it’s natural to love and to be loved. Start with the simple act of being a witness for love and the rest will follow. You will be the star of your very own love story.

My Christmas spirit is not tied to things anymore. I don’t need to fulfill a list in order for Christmas to be a success. Instead, I measure the success of Christmas by the amount of laughter and stories. Maybe this means I’m finally a grown-up. Could it be? Is this what happens when you become an adult? Things seem to mean more. The Christmas season is much more than running around trying to find the *perfect* gift. Sometimes a heartfelt card, a batch of cookies, or even just a hug conveys so much more than a sweater (or riding boots). Maybe this realization points to a broader transition. I notice things that I didn’t used to before. I relate to those silly Hallmark commercials (and usually get choked up, too). I can’t tear my eyes away from a giggling child. And I ooh and ahh over babies.

What do you want to find under the tree?

If this is what it feels like to be an adult, it feels pretty darn good. It’s a warmth I’ve not known before. The hullabaloo of the holiday season can be a giant distraction from what really matters. Instead of being distracted by the shiny marketing machine, I’ve chosen to be still. By making this choice, this season ceases to be about things. I continue to notice the little things that point to a much larger idea – Love. Kids holding their parents’ hands; families enjoying an evening of ice skating; getting cozy with some cocoa and loved ones – these are all wonderful examples of Love. That’s what I enjoy so much about being a grown-up – it stops being all about me and I can finally appreciate the beauty, love and good that is, and always has been, all around me. What an incredible awakening!

When my husband asks me what I want for Christmas again, I’ll be ready. A really  big hug, a long walk, a fun game night, a hot cup of cocoa, and a snuggle with my kitty. That’s what I want. The greatest part about this list? It can be rearranged and recreated on any night throughout the year! Here’s to a Christmas full of love and cocoa!

Where's the milk?!

I think that could be a big factor in the abundance of recipes for the best chocolate chip cookie. When did we have cookies when we were kids? Usually as a treat, when something went wrong and we needed a pick-me-up, or just because our mom’s felt like surprising us with something tasty. Either way, we have powerful memories attached to these little cookies. I remember coming home from school and smelling the tell-tale sign of a good afternoon – freshly baked cookies. Almost breaking down the door to get to the cookies – I would see my mom standing there with a knowing smile and a cold glass of milk next to a small plate of cookies. She was waiting for me. She wanted to surprise me. I felt special. Eating the chewy and chocolatey goodness, I’d forget about my homework for awhile. In that moment, I was enjoying a special moment with my mom. Later, I would learn how to bake with the old standby cookie recipe. Every time we made these cookies, it was a bonding experience. We laughed, told stories, talked about boys. I learned about my mom as a person through baking (and shopping…but that’s another story). Through the creation of those cookies, I learned more of the sweet things in life (and I’m not just talking about baked goods). I learned that there’s almost nothing that a plate of warm cookies and a glass of cold milk can’t cure.

Perhaps this is why I enjoy baking so much. Now – miles away from my mom, when I feel nostalgic or just want to give myself a bit of a hug, I fire up my oven and start mixing those familiar ingredients. I suppose I’ve found the answer to the “best chocolate chip cookie” mystery. It’s not necessarily the cookie, it’s what the cookie represents: comfort, joy and warmth. For the record, though, my cookies turned out perfectly. Bon appetit!

Looking back to discover missed opportunities is wasting time and energy that you can put toward your future success. In a way, you are sabotaging your own future by wasting time on regrets (or even reliving the joys of the past). Either way, looking back is robbing you from right now. Whether good or bad, constantly examining your past is a waste of energy. Oftentimes, I think we’re taught to examine our experiences to extract the lessons. We’re actually taught to look back at our life and spend time focusing on our mistakes. We must have learned something from our mistakes, right? So why not focus on them to figure that out? Stop! This type of thinking is a trap. It saps up all of your energy into focusing on your shortcomings rather than celebrating your strengths. Of course it’s important to learn from mistakes – but the key is to move on. Once the lesson is learned, we must keep moving forward. We must implement our new found wisdom and keep on growing. A friend recently shared a thought with me, “Many a misstep was taken from standing still.” In this case, that immobility is caused by keeping our gaze behind us.

Where are you going to look?

It can be pretty comfortable to remain in the past – to continue to enjoy the memories of good times. I mean, we know what to expect from our memories, right? We can’t be disappointed by our good memories. But right now we need to decide who and what we want to be – and then we need to BE that. And we need to DO the things that are in harmony with who we are. Once we do that, we will HAVE that future that seemed so far away in our days of dreaming. The secret to all of this is to stop living in the past (or in the future, for that matter). Give up any notions of regrets and MOVE ON! You are one choice away from being that person you’ve always wanted to be. Decide to do something different and you’ll have a different outcome.

So – what was my answer to the original question of regret? What was my “ah-ha” moment when I began to ponder that one pivotal moment in my life? (cue beautiful music…) That pivotal moment is right now. It’s a continuous moment. And it’s happening right now for you and me. Make a different choice and you’ll never want to live in any other moment than right now.

It also helps to have a sense of humor...